


Game Over

by Wheelbarrow



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Angst, M/M, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 14:43:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11969538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wheelbarrow/pseuds/Wheelbarrow
Summary: request from my tumblr: "*trips over self to send you an angst prompt* Anything with jealousy and insecurity. Maybe with Craig?"





	Game Over

**Author's Note:**

  * For [violinbythefire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/violinbythefire/gifts).



       You know the kind of feeling you get when you're so _bored_ you feel your head pounding? Do you ever just sit back in your chair and count the dots on the ceiling because it's more exciting than whatever you're supposed to be doing?

 

       It's this skull-splitting boredom that consumes me every time I come to this pizza place. We always go, even if we lose, even if I suggest something different.

 

       Craig knows I hate it. He's used to seeing my soul leave my body whenever we walk through these glass doors. He tells me I can go home, but I'd rather re-count all the 32,494 dots on the ceiling than leave him in this vulture nest alone.

 

       Coming here is like playing one of those combat arcade games- except you have no controls, and the enemy just beats you up until it's game over. Maybe that's why my head hurts so much.

 

       "So where do you go for your gym membership? I've _always_ wanted one."

 

       Karen sits on my table, butt dangerously close to my untouched slice of pizza. The rusty screws in the metal stand scream under her weight.

 

       Craig takes her obnoxious advances patiently with a big smile. He always does. It drives me insane.

 

       Karen leans in. Her back is turned to me, but I can tell she's pushing her tits out at him.

 

       "I think we should go work out together. I'm getting a little fat. Do you need a workout buddy? I know _I_ do." A few of the moms that have made their way over here laugh with her. God, I want to shove her off this table.

 

       "Actually, I already have one," Craig says. He looks at me. All the moms look at me. Everyone's looking at me.

 

       I swallow hard. "Yeah."

 

       It's a lie and I think the moms know it. I'm definitely not the gym type- I hate waking up against my will. I know I don't _have_ to get up early to work out, but it's the only time Craig goes to the gym, and I don't like going alone.

 

       I've already accepted that I'm not in shape. Never have been, never will be.

 

       "Really? It doesn't _look_ like you work out."

 

       As soon as the words leave Karen's lip-glossed mouth, my thoughts do a complete 180. I stand up, ready to defend my soft body with my life. My eyes dart between Karen and Craig. He doesn't move. He doesn't know what to say.

 

       "We can't all be muscular and physically fit, Karen." I narrow my eyes at her and cross my arms. "You sure as hell aren't."

 

       All the moms stare at me like fish with wide eyes and open mouths.

 

       Craig didn't know what to say.

 

       I don't want my pizza anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

       I was hit hard by the Empty Nest Syndrome. With no one around to keep me occupied, it wasn't long before I found myself in a rut. I closed off to the world, but Craig was there just in time to stick his foot in the door and save me from drowning in my own doubts. He said it'd be healthy for me if I moved in with him.

 

       That was months ago. It's nice not having an empty house, nor an empty bed.

 

       But it's empty every morning at 6AM.

 

       I'm not an idiot. I knew Craig would fall back into the same self destructive habits and continue his strict, clockwork routine. I just wish it didn't happen so _soon_.

 

       I flop on my back and open my eyes. This time, instead of rolling over to soak up the warmth from Craig's side of the bed, I wake up.

 

       Craig's glowing. I'm not sure if that's because of his perfect skin or the sunrise pouring in from the window. "What are you doing?" he asks.

 

       I look like a zombie. I can feel the bags beneath my eyes swell. "I'm going with you. Duh."

 

       I stretch, yawn, and rise. My limbs scream with exhaustion while I get ready with him. I saw him _smiling_. He's happy that I'm going, but I hope he's not happy about it for the reason my insecurities suggest.

 

       We're about halfway to the gym and I'm falling asleep. Craig made me extra strong coffee this morning before we left, but it didn't hit me at all. I drift in and out of consciousness the entire way there.

 

       The car stops and I groan inaudibly. Craig squeezes my hand. When I don't respond, he leans over the center console and kisses my cheek. "Bro. C'mon."

 

       "Five… more… minutes." I try to pull him closer to me, but he slides out of the car. _Cruel_.

 

       I sigh and reach for my door. My arms feel like noodles. Not even the _good_ kind. They're curly, unseasoned, raw noodles.

 

       I fling the door open and stumble out of the car. The walk to the front doors is short and very, very cold- as cold as the frigid AC that blasts me the moment I walk inside.

 

       Craig, _completely_ immune to the cold, struts forward and says hi to several people. I look around the room as I follow him. Some guy is lifting weights with his thighs. A petite girl is benching more pounds than I ever could.

 

       Oh, and Zeus himself is walking towards us.

 

       Seriously. He's a _god_. He has a sharp, chiseled jawline, and a perfectly proportioned body. He looks like he jumped right out of an ad for some expensive perfume.

 

       "Hey, bro!"

 

       Bro. He called Craig bro. _He knows Craig._

 

       "Hey, Archie!"

 

        _Archie_ , huh?

 

       They do the half-hug, half-handshake thing. Archie reaches for Craig's bicep and starts pinching it.

 

       I glare at him. He doesn't notice.

 

       "You been doing arm day without me, bro?" Archie says with a grin.

 

       "Anything to get ahead of you," Craig winks.

 

       "Craig." I don't know what I'm about to say but I _have_ to get them away from each other. I came here to spend time with Craig, not to feel like I'm in the pizza place all over again. "We should head over to the treadmills first, right?"

 

       Archie gives me a once over. I do the same to him. _Try me_.

 

       Craig's blissfully unaware. "Yeah, you got it right, bro! Let's go."

 

       I'm the first to start walking over there. To my dismay, _both_ of them follow after me. Apparently Archie can't take a hint.

 

       I press the 'on' button and watch the two of them out of the corner of my eye. They're making casual conversation, setting their treadmills to some advanced difficulty and incline.

 

       I wait for Craig to turn his attention back to me, but it doesn't come. I wrinkle my nose and start out at a slow pace.

 

       Of _course_ it had to be him. Of all the people in the room, the unrealistically attractive guy is the one that's best friends with Craig.

 

       I put my earbuds in to drown out their voices. I focus on a dark stain on the wall across the room, intent on pretending they don't exist.

 

       Well, for the most part.

 

       Craig should pick up on my mood soon. Shouldn't he? He's known me for _years_. He should know when I'm upset. When I'm jealous.

 

       There. I used the word. _Jealous_. Adrenaline pulses in my ears at the thought of it. All the exhaustion I felt from this morning is gone, replaced with the loud, pulsating rhythm of my heartbeat.

 

       It's not Archie's presence that kills me- it's the way they talk to each other. Any stranger would guess that _they're_ the old college pals and _I'm_ the new guy.

 

       I didn't even know he existed before today. Why's Craig hiding him from me? Who _else_ don't I know about?

 

       They talk and talk and talk. ' _How are the twins, bro? Did you hear about this sweet new protein shake, bro? Have you been running more often, bro? Your cardio's improved.'_

 

       I grit my teeth.

 

       How are they when I'm not here? They've _obviously_ known each other for a while. I wonder if they met before I moved back here- that'd give them enough time to get close. I bet they look forward to seeing each other. Or, much worse, has he seen Craig shirtless? Or has Craig seen him shirtless? I wonder if they've felt each others chests before. ' _Woah, bro, you should show me your full routine sometime-'_

 

       Someone rips out my earbud and I trip. I grab the arms of the treadmill and straighten myself out.

 

       I turn and see Craig, who hasn't even started sweating yet.

 

       "Hey, bro." He's smiling. He has no idea.

 

       I know I'm being petty, and I know I'm acting like I'm twelve, but that doesn't stop me from letting my emotions get the best of me. I glare at him then face forward again. The stain on the wall has burned itself into my cornea. "What do you want?"

 

       I can see him lean forward to try to get in my line of sight. He looks concerned.

 

       "Are you okay? You should slow down a little. You're breathing really heavy."

 

       "I'm _fine_."

 

       Craig clears his throat. He hesitates for a moment. "We're gonna go do leg day if you're down, bro."

 

       "No."

 

       Craig stops running. He turns his machine off. My eyes have been open for so long a black ring formed around my vision.

 

       There it is again- the hesitation. "…Okay then." His words are heavy with the weight of all that he wants to say; but he pushes it down and turns to Archie. "C'mon, bro."

 

       I put my earbud back in as soon as they leave. The heat in my chest is suffocating me. I'm not sure if I feel hot because of Craig or because I'm running too fast, but one thing's for surs- I'm in a jealous fit.

 

       That manifests as I watch the two of them spot each other on various medieval torture devices. Archie takes on more and more weight like a champ.

 

       He's fit. He's built like a Greek marble statue- porcelain, perfect muscles. I look down at myself. I don't have a great complexion or a great stomach. I've always been either too skinny or a little pudgy- never a perfect balance of the two.

 

       Damn it. Now I'm insecure, too.

 

       I blink fast and look up at the ceiling.

 

        _One, two, three, four, five…_

 

* * *

 

 

       I've been going to the gym.

 

       No- not in the morning. I can't _stand_ seeing them talk to each other, and I can't _stand_ snapping at Craig like I did.

 

       I love him. He deserves better than that.

 

       Instead I wait until he leaves for the day- wether it's for the girls' softball practice or for work. Then I go to the gym. _Alone_. I come back home, shower, and start working, pretending I never left the house.

 

       By the end of the week I had considered quitting. I didn't notice a difference in my physique at all… not until Craig did a double take at me one morning.

 

       "Are you going to the gym without me?"

 

       The question comes out of nowhere. I jolt and almost nick myself on the razor.

 

       Okay. Deep breaths. Going to the gym without him doesn't _technically_ mean I'm going behind his back.

 

       I lean back in to the mirror and continue shaving. There's no point in lying to him. "…Yeeeah. Why?"

 

       Craig shifts uncomfortably.

 

       I wipe the excess shaving cream from my face and seriously look at him. Okay, _what_?

 

       "It's just… some of my friends have seen you there."

 

       My gut twists. People recognized me? His _friends_ recognized me? He talks about me to his friends?

 

       …Whatever. I'm not doing anything wrong. I taste something sour on the back of my tongue. Is he getting his friends to spy on me?

 

       "Is there some kind of problem with it?" I fire back, sounding hostile.

 

       Craig raises his eyebrows. "No?" Something swam behind the surface of Craig's eyes, painting them as black as a reservoir.

 

       He needed to say something. I didn't want to know what.

 

* * *

 

       Yet another win, yet another day at the pizza place. I thought things were actually going well... then Sharon slides up next to Craig, and my patience wears thin.

 

       Instead of an embarrassingly one-sided conversation ensuing, Craig starts talking back to her.

 

       I get up and walk away. I don't want to wait and sit there and wonder why he isn't warding off her advances. I don't want to listen to them. I don't want to count again.

 

       I near the arcade games, drawn to one in particular. Holy _shit_ , this is old. The chipped, blocky letters on the side of the machine read _Street Fighter_.

 

       I fish a quarter out of my pocket and stick it in the small coin slot.

 

       It's like I'm ten again. I have no idea what I'm doing or how to play this game, but damn it I'm going to have fun in this dump even if it kills me.

 

       I place my palm over the buttons and press all of them at once, mashing them and racking up those sweet, sweet points. I forgot how good it felt to win.

 

        _Kick kick kick kick_. _Up left down right._

 

       I don't give the enemy a chance to fight back- which is strange, considering all arcade games are rigged. I don't think about it too hard. This machine is pretty old, and it's probably bugged from decades of use. 

 

       My mind drifts away as I fall into muscle memory, the old combos I memorized when I was young slowly coming back to me. The moms are especially like vultures today, closing in on Craig. I can see their reflection in the screen.

 

       What shocks me every time is that they _know_ Craig and I are together… yet they still make advances. It's not _them_ I'm mad at this time, though. He's having a real conversation with Sharon. He's not stopping her. I can't help but wonder if he wants her, too.

 

       When was the last time he wanted _me_? It had to be at _least_ a month since we last had sex. Craig's been busy opening up a store, and I've been busy wrapping up end of the year deadlines. 

 

       Reality comes back to me and I see a few kids crowded near me. I think a worker is watching, too, but I can't tear my eyes away from the reflection on the screen. The moms are looking at me. Craig is, too.

 

       Something unrecognizable hits me and I freeze. The machine makes a loud, staticky noise and the image on the screen starts to glitch.

 

       The game unbreaks itself and the enemy starts to fight me. My character puts up their fists but they do nothing to block the blows, as though they put their defenses up for show. To pretend they're strong. To keep the lie going.

 

       I watch it chip at my health. I think I hear a kid scream at me to _keep playing_ or I'll _lose the high score_. The pixelated hearts break and drop each time my health bar dips to zero.

 

       I react before I think and walk away. I hear buttons click behind me as someone desperately tries to save the game.

 

       I… don't care anymore.

 

       Craig gets up and tries talking to me. I push past the women and towards the door, looking back one last time to see the last heart fade and 'game over' in big red letters flash across the screen.

 

       I open the doors and leave.

 

* * *

 

       The next day, someone approaches me at the gym.

 

       "Is this treadmill taken?" He asks, not waiting for an answer. He places his towel and a water bottle down on it and smiles at me.

 

       I'm not sure why I start talking to him, but anything's better than being alone with my thoughts.

 

       "You know, it's _usually_ not taken if someone's not at it."

 

       He shrugs. "I dunno. It's _usually_ crowded these days, and people like to save spots."

 

       "Really?" This is the first time I've come on a Thursday. "Why's it crowded?"

 

       "Oh, I don't know." He scratches the back of his head and turns the treadmill on. "I just wanted to sound like I knew what I was talking about to impress you. It's not easy making friends around here."

 

       I laugh. "And why's that?"

 

       "… Would you laugh again if I said I was trying to impress you a second time?"

 

       We fall into conversation and introduce ourselves. His name's Brett and he has two little wiener dogs that he talks about like his children. He has no idea how any of the machines work and he absolutely _despises_ leg day.

 

       Each time I went to the gym I'd see him at the _same_ spot at the _same_ treadmills. It turned into a routine of sorts; and soon I started to understand the thing Craig had for Alfie. It's just a friend to fill the silence.

 

       Brett was there every day…

 

       Until he wasn't.

 

       The first day I didn't see him, I told myself not to sweat about it. Maybe he decided he'd rather lay in bed and eat pizza than go to the gym. That's okay. I've been there.

 

       The second and third days I grew worried. I mean, I'd be _fine_ with it if he had just told me he was leaving for a while. I know I'm not _that_ important of a person in his life… but it was the least he could do.

 

       By the fourth day I assumed he was avoiding me. As soon as I saw the empty treadmills, I turned around and walked back out.

 

       It didn't take long to return to my old insecurities now that I have nothing to distract myself.

 

       I poke at my stomach as I stare at myself in the mirror. I haven't made much progress. It's just like it was before- a little toned, but still _nowhere_ near where I want it to be.

 

       The door flies open and Craig walks in. That makes it the _second_ time he's scared the shit out of me in the bathroom. I jump and curse under my breath.

 

       "I _knew_ it."

 

       "Knew _what_?" I say, pulling a shirt on and over my head.

 

       "You only went to the gym for that guy, didn't you?"

 

       Craig's words strike me like lightning. I feel myself tense as thousands of thoughts run through my mind.

 

       "How do you know about him?" I don't want to look at his face. The edge he had in his voice cut me deep enough.

 

       "I- I thought I'd surprise you," he says. "I went one day and… I saw you with him. And how _happy_ you were. It was totally opposite how you looked when you came with me. So I went again and again at your time-"

 

       "You were stalking me?" I turn around. His is expression is unreadable.

 

       "…You never noticed. You never knew I was there."

 

       "You say that like I should've found something I wasn't looking for, Craig." I get defensive fast, throwing my hands up in the air. "You were hiding from me!"

 

       "I guess you're blind then, huh? That guy you were with noticed."

 

       Oh. _Oh_. The tone in his voice is just as clear and familiar as my reflection. He's _jealous_.

 

       Craig continues. "So I confronted him about it."

 

       "…You intimidated him."

 

       "No, I _didn't_."

 

       I fire back. "Yes, you _did_."

 

       Craig bites the inside of his cheek. "He said he was moving gyms anyways."

 

       "He never told me anything about moving." I scoff. "Craig-"

 

       "Why are you so upset about it?"

 

       Is that even a question? "Because he was the one thing there that kept me sane!"

 

       "And I don't?"

 

       Craig's voice breaks, but I can't stop. I don't know what drives me on more; anger or spite. "How do you think I feel when _you_ talk to _your_ buddy? Why do you think I was in such a bad mood that day, Craig? How would you feel if I told _Alfie_ to leave and never come back?"

 

       I pause to catch my breath and my sanity. "He's not the reason I went anyways."

 

       Craig's answer is immediate, almost desperate. "Then what was?"

 

       How do I say ' _because I'm afraid you don't like my body anymore and I thought you deserved me at my best not my okayest_ ' without sounding pathetic?

 

       "You can't even talk to me." I guess I waited too long to answer. I can hear the pain in his voice. He's _trying_.

 

       "Craig… _look_ at me." I gesture to my body in one unceremonious sweep.

 

       He looks at me.

 

       "I don't get it."

 

       I laugh humorlessly. "Then you never will."

 

       Craig buries his face in his hands and walks out, ending the conversation for now. It's far from over, and we both know it.

 

       I grip the edge of the counter hard enough to turn my knuckles white. That was the _one_ clean shot I had at telling him how I feel, and I misfired.

 

       It never gets easier.

 

* * *

 

       It's 6AM and, on instinct, I wake up. I always do. Having to say goodbye to Craig every morning at the same times does wonders to my body.

 

       Except Craig isn't up. It's 6:05. Did he forget an alarm?

 

       I kiss the spot on his back between his shoulder blades and feel him stir. "Craig, baby, it's 6am."

 

       "Mmm."

 

       'Mmm'? ' _Mmm_ '?! Craig Cahn would _never_.

 

       "Aren't you going to the gym?" I ask, rubbing his shoulder. I'm not trying to get him to leave- I _love_ having him here- but something's wrong.

 

       Craig snaps at me. "If you wanna go so bad, then why don't you go _yourself_? I won't be there to bother you this time."

 

       I recoil my touch and lean back. Craig's been fully awake for a while now. He's a terrible actor.

 

       I sit up on the bed and pull my knees to my chest. "Don't you have work?"

 

       "I don't have to."

 

       " _Craig_ -"

 

       "What's so bad with relaxing on a Saturday?"

 

       "I never said it was bad." I pause. "What's so wrong with going to the gym?"

 

       "You tell me."

 

       A long silence follows and it swallows me whole.

 

* * *

 

 

       I wake up and Craig's gone. The clock reads 10AM- usually the time he takes Briar and Hazel to practice… _except they don't have practice today_. The softball field is under maintenance this weekend.

 

       I stretch across the bed and run my hand along the indent his body left in the sheets. It's cold. He must've gotten up as soon as I fell back asleep.

 

       I get up and walk out of the bedroom. "Craig?" My voice echoes and it doesn't take long to realize I'm calling out to an empty house.

 

       That's right. The kids are at Smashley's.

 

       So why has Craig been gone for so long?

 

       I walk up to the old, antique mirror at the end of the hallway. My eyes are outlined by thick, dark circles, and my cheeks are pale. I've aged a year this week.

 

       I need to get out of this tomb.

 

      I need some coffee.

 

      Bitter wind bites my skin as I walk outside. I tug on the hood of my jacket to shield my face from the winter air. I open the door to my car and slam it shut once I'm inside. It's not any warmer in here, but at least there's no wind.

 

       I turn the car on and put the heat on full blast, not bothering to put on my seatbelt before putting the car into reverse.

 

       It shouldn't be long before snow falls again. All the trees lined up along this short street are either dead or dying, and there's no sign of any birds in their branches.

 

       I don't know why I drive past the turn to the Coffer Spoon, nor do I know why I make the turn for the gym instead. It's muscle memory at this point. My one-track mind has been beat to death.

 

       All I know is that… _holy shit, I'm hallucinating_.

 

       I swerve the car behind a large SUV and slam on the brakes. With shaky hands I straighten the car out and parallel park, giving my brain time to process what I just saw.

 

       I turn around and _yep_ , reality. Not a hallucination.

 

       It's Brett. It's Craig. It's Alfie. They're walking out of the gym.

 

       I feel my heart drop painfully in my chest, pulsating with what- betrayal? Anger? Fear?

 

       The two of them look like they belong by Craig's side. They look like his best friends. They're attractive. Porcelain. Just like him.

 

       They're everything I'm not.

 

       I break down and hide my face in the steering wheel, thankful that the shadow of the sprawling maple tree I parked below is large enough to shade me from pedestrians. I don't need anyone knowing how fake my life is. How I _actually_ feel. It's a mask I put on every day- a mask I saw shatter right before my eyes.

 

       Why? _Why_?

 

       I choke on the lump in my throat, world spinning, vision blurred and dark. Everything I've holed up inside of me comes out in the form of gross sobbing and hot tears streaming down my face.

 

        _Why_ didn't I just tell Craig how I felt? _Why_ did I start to go to the gym in the first place? Would I be in this situation if I never went to the gym with him that morning?

 

       I don't know how long I stay like this. I don't look up until I feel sunlight beat down on my puffy, exhausted eyes.

 

       I pull out my phone. It's been two hours and there's no texts or calls from Craig. He should be home. He should know _I'm_ not home.

 

       Does he care?

 

       I feel my heart drop again, but instead of crying, I lean back in my seat and take deep breaths. I'm drained. I'm hollow. I can't stop thinking about his reaction to coming home to an empty house. Did he check to see if I was still there? What if he continued on _without_ me there like it was just another normal day?

 

       I make a pathetic noise and curl over.

 

       I imagine myself walking though the door. I imagine him seeing my red rimmed eyes and pretending he didn't. I imagine myself picking up the pieces of my mask, putting it on, and pretending I didn't, either.

 

       I imagine it being that way for the rest of our lives- both of us leaving things unsaid, both of us avoiding the blame.

 

       The third time my heart throbs, I feel it shatter. I don't move at all. It's just another broken thing to sweep up.

 

       I know I'm breathing but I can't feel the air inside my lungs. I know I put the car in reverse, pull out of my parking spot and drive home, but I don't feel the leather of the steering wheel beneath my fingers. Sunlight illuminates the windshield and my dashboard but I don't recognize the warmth on my hands.

 

       I'm home. Craig's car is in the driveway.

 

       My body works robotically. I step inside and lock the door behind me.

 

       Craig's in the kitchen. I hear dishes. _Huh_.

 

       "Where have you been?"

 

       His voice is loud and it hurts my head. My voice is stuck and sore. Is he expecting an answer?

 

       I walk up to him. Anger courses through me and I'm shaking. I want to fight him. I want to kick and scream but all I can do is rest my forehead on his chest.

 

       I love Craig. I can't lose him just because we don't talk anymore. He's important to me, and no matter what, that _won't_ change.

 

       We stay like this for a moment. Craig hesitates just like he has all those times before.

 

       And, just like me, he breaks.

 

       Craig pushes me away and I lean against the marble tabletop.

 

       "You didn't answer me."

 

       That's right. I didn't.

 

       "I think I should be asking you the same question," I say, coughing a few times to clear the shit that's clogging my throat.

 

       "No. That's-"

 

       I look at him. "Why don't you tell me who _you've_ been hanging out with?"

 

       Craig stops. Feeling finds its way back to my numb body, but it's not the good kind. Pain. It's deep, intense, _I-can-barely-breathe_ pain.

 

       "I went to get coffee this morning. I guess I took a wrong turn because I saw you walking out of the gym with your two friends."

 

       Craig steps towards me, but he doesn't move any further. "I have an explanation."

 

       I don't need one.

 

       "That's the happiest I've seen you in a long time, Craig."

 

       Silence follows. I hate it. It's the only thing that separates us anymore. I hate it. _I hate it_.

 

       "What don't you like about me, Craig?"

 

       The question comes as a surprise to both of us, but I'm done with trying. I'm tired of the silence. I'm _tired_.

 

       "What do you mean?"

 

       "I've tried everything. _Everything_. I've tried going to the gym so I could look better for you. I figured that's why you haven't touched me in so long, and why all the moms think they still have a chance with you. I'm not much competition. I look like a moldy marshmallow, Craig. I've tried hiding how jealous I always am but emotions _never_ work that way." My voice cracks. "I've tried being happy."

 

       I'm shaking again. Tears I didn't know I still had threaten to spill from my eyes.

 

       I haven't seen Craig upset like this since his fish died in college. That was a time I'd bend over backwards to try and make him happy again. I still would, but my back just isn't what it used to be anymore.

 

       "Is this really what all of this is about? You're _insecure_? I've been so worried about you, I thought-"

 

       "So worried you started talking to the moms more often and hanging out with Brett behind my back?" I snap.

 

       Craig looks hurt and confused. He changes the subject.  "What makes you think I don't like the way you look?"

 

       "I'm soft, Craig. _Look_ at me. And I saw the way you looked at your workout buddy, and the way he looked at you…"

 

       "God, you think I want him?" Craig comes closer to me. "Why didn't you just tell me? He's married and he has kids."

 

       I cross my arms and I don't give him a response. I feel too vulnerable for that.

 

       "Listen, you're per-"

 

       "No, no I'm not. Don't even say it. If I _was_ perfect, why would you be talking to those moms?" I say, bringing it back up.

 

       "What?" Craig looks genuinely surprised. "I _never_ talk to them."

 

       "What about our most recent visit to the pizza place, huh?"

 

       Guilt flashes across his face. He looks down. "I was just giving her advice. I was bored, and… you're always so _miserable_ there."

 

       "Of _course_ I'm miserable there. I can't stop imagining them with you."

 

       "Which brings us full circle. Why do you think I would want _anyone_ other than you?"

 

       "When was the last time we had sex?"

 

       "When _you_ told me you wanted to keep your clothes on.  I… thought you just weren't comfortable, or- or you didn't want me to-"

 

       "You never made any initiation again."

 

       "You didn't, either." Craig sighs, face flushing red. "I didn’t want to pressure you, I… why do you think I take so long in showers? Why do you think I walk in on you so much whenever you take one?"

 

       "Craig, I-"

 

       "Why would I make any advances on you if I thought I'd be rejected?"

 

       And now _I'm_ the quiet one. Craig pulls me into his embrace and holds me like I'd slip away if he let go.

 

       I take an unsteady breath and piece my thoughts together. "Craig, I _can't_ lose you. I never thought I'd be a jealous person until I saw you walking down the street the day I moved to this side of town." He became so much more than I thought he would be, and I couldn't help but compare myself to him. "You're the best thing about Maple Bay. And then there's _me_. I'm not on your level, and I never have been. You were always the popular one at parties, and I… I was always on the sidelines."

 

       The last thing I want is Craig to see my gross, red face right now. He has to force my jaw up to get me to look at him.

 

       "Do you not know how important you are to me? Don't you remember all those nights in college when you held me because I had nonstop panic attacks over tests? Don't you remember that camping trip where you showed me how to take care of myself for the first time in years?"

 

       I try to look away again. I'm an ugly crier and I know it. Craig steadies me and presses his forehead to mine.

 

       "Remember what I said under your cherry blossom tree?"

 

        _You and me, we're gonna be alright._

 

       "Please stop crying."

 

       "Craig, I love you."

 

       It was the first time I've said those words in a long time.

 

       Craig says my name and it fills me with life. "I love you, too."

 

       I believe him.

 

       He presses his lips to mine. After a sweet moment I pull back and lean the side of my head to his chest to listen to his steady heartbeat.

 

        _One, two, three, four, five…_

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](https://raddadds.tumblr.com/)


End file.
